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Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Antiques Roadshow

Spooks

Dr Who (Eccleston/Piper)

Tony Robinson’s WWI

Pie in the Sky

New Tricks

Luther

QI

Homes Under the Hammer

Bargain Hunt

Inspector Morse

….and something with David Attenborough. Obviously.

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SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRACY
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows; the one on the right looks kind of cute

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National Theatre Wales’ contribution to the Dylan Thomas centenary wasn’t at all what I was expecting, but it proved to be a lovely afternoon and I was glad I made the trip from London. A wander around Laugharne to see installations, watch VT’s and listen to ‘broadcasts’, bookended by scenes behind the Tin Shed, in a bus garage and outside the Town Hall, with a funeral procession through the main street following a fish & chip hut with neon signage!

There are only two characters, Mike Voyce (Russell Gomer) – a spin on Thomas’ first voice / narrator – and Roy Ebsworth-Williams (Charles Dale), our ‘tour guide’, but we also get all sixteen Lauharne Players, who’ve been putting on Under Milk Wood annually since 1958, including the town mayor, who proves to be a proper raconteur in true Dylan Thomas fashion. The ‘broadcasts’, superbly written by Jon Treganna (who runs Browns Hotel!), emanate from loud speakers at four points during your wander, with ‘handouts’ for you to relish the Dylanesque narrative. The installations created by Marc Rees are all over the town, and in a series of huts (Corrugation Street!) on the edge of the estuary you’re shown footage from the (then) forthcoming BBC Wales (Welsh) star-studded TV production of Under Milk Wood. You peer into Dylan’s writing shed, walk through his home The Boathouse and make a pilgrimage to his grave in St Martin’s Church yard.

We struggled to visit all of the locations in the 90 minutes allowed between the two opening scenes and the finale, but caught up with those we missed later. It had a homespun feel, a real community project, and when we’d completed it all and read the broadcasts it all fell into place, leaving a very satisfying feeling. A sunny afternoon probably helped. I so admire the ambition and imagination of NTW and have loved all four of the shows I’ve managed to catch and now can’t wait for my First World War adventure in a field in Usk next month!

 

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This year I’ve doubled the Christmas card budget and found a better home for the money, so I hope you won’t mind this simple message.

In previous year’s we’ve bought yaks, cows, pigs & goats and theatre tickets for kids. This year, we’re funding the university education of an African orphan.

Have a great time.

Gareth

Christmas 2012

Order number: 100003020

More info at www.goodgifts.org

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Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist  about Cabernet Sauvignon.
 
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and  let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
 
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
 
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
 
Stop hiding and start living.
 
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 
Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
 
WARNINGS:
 
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
 
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
 
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
 
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
 
Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!
 
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.

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I’ve blown the Christmas card budget on a good cause again this year. After yaks in 2009 and cows, pigs and goats in 2010, this year its closer to home – 50 theatre tickets for class 7 kids. Hopefully I won’t be at the same performance as I can’t abide all that sweet rustling and texting! I hope you have a great Christmas and a happy 2012.
 

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Last year I blew the Christmas card budget on a few Yaks for families in Tibet and the feedback was terrific, so this year we’ve bought one of these for a family in Africa …..

…..and one of these for a family in Asia ….

…..and this goat couple for a family in Central America ….. 

So it’s a moo, a honk and a couple of bleats from me. Have a great Christmas & New Year!

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